Coffee Talk Tuesday

Good Morning! Thank you again for coming on by for me to share my thoughts with you again today. This last week the topic of fatherhood has been weighing on my mind lately. You see I grew up with a father who was mostly absent from my life and I worked hard for a many years to make my marriage work so that my children had their father present in their life. Since my divorce 4 years ago my children have learned a new and uncharted aspect of their father…one that I quite often sheltered them from.
When I decided to separate from my husband it was shocking news to my two young children. My ex husband and I were very good at pretending for our kids that everything was okay between us so they never had any idea that there were problems. There has been many hurt feelings since the separation and divorce once they began seeing a more selfish side to their father. Again an aspect of him that I sheltered them from. Throughout all of the adjustments, disappointments and hurt I would always  reassure my children that there father still loved them…Until I had my counselor tell me to stop.
He explained to me that by reassuring them I was teaching them that it was okay to hurt and disappoint and that is how they would eventually see love. He asked me this question…Did that kind of love from him fulfill and work for you? Him asking my that was very profound for me and changed how I approached my children’s relationship with their father. I quit making excuses for him and his behavior and I quit trying to control how my children viewed their dad. Don’t get me wrong I still listened and comforted them, but I just approached it differently than I had before.
My daughter is sixteen now and very much has a mind of her own. She sees things that I can’t shelter her from, can’t protect her from, and can’t explain away from her. Her relationship with her dad is very rocky and she no longer spends time with him. Seeing her in pain breaks my heart because I know all to well the thoughts and feelings that a young girl can take on when they have an absent father. I try to tell myself this is her path in life and that what happens to her now shapes who she is becoming and that is already planned out for her by a higher source. I hope she takes the stronger path and doesn’t fall to many times from how the relationship with her father has effected her, but again all I can do is listen, comfort and guide from my position as her mother. It has been hard for her and hard for me.
I am very grateful to now have a wonderful man in my life that does not bring hurt and disappoint along with the relationship. I know that if I had not learned the lessons I had from my first marriage that I quite possible would have missed or dismissed this person when he came along.
My hope is that my daughter doesn’t have to go through those same life lessons. I hope that she doesn’t look for validation from the wrong people. I hope that she recognizes good people when they come into her life. I hope she knows herself well enough to know what she deserves and what she doesn’t. I hope she knows what love should be and what it shouldn’t be. That is my hope for her future.
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Until next time…
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  1. Eventually kids discover what their parents are made of. It doesn't do any good to shelter them from reality but our instincts are so strong to protect them that we, as the adults, can get confused and frightened. I am living my own rocky relationship, trying to find balance with my son's father, while maintaining honesty and honest emotions. It's a hard thing to do, I applaud your courage. And thanks for the coffee!

  2. I love that quote! All the thought and effort you're putting into raising your kids is sure to bear fruits in the future, all we can do as parents is our best and the rest is their story to live. Thanks for coffee!!

  3. I also love that "Daughters" quote and your heartfelt post this week. Lots to think about here, Chas. Ultimately, our children are their own people with their own way of seeing the world, but your daughter is lucky to have you to hold her hand as she works things out. x